True Confession: I Am A Type I Anti-Hero

So I'm currently addicted to the Internet (what's new), especially this fun little site TV Tropes. I love going on this site and seeing all the little connections between all the books, movies, TV shows, and video games that I've watched/played. (And some that I haven't) After perusing the Sliding Scale of Anti-Heroes page, I realized that I am Type I Anti-hero.

Type I anti-heroes lack the edge that make "stereotypical" anti-heroes such badasses. So don't expect me to shoot first or wear a tight skull t-shirt any time soon... They just don't want to be heroes and have deep, noticeable flaws. For example, Superman can fly, has super strength, heat vision, and still gets the big scoop for the Daily Planet. In contrast, Spider-Man still has cool powers like the proportional strength of a spider but can still get his butt handed to him by baddies like Doc Ock and Kingpin, struggles balancing "real life"with superhero-ing, and can never "settle down" with his lady friends. (*cough* One More Day *cough*). If I was a superhero, I would fall in the Spider-Man category.

Type I anti-heroes fall in the morally "good" category. Some quick examples are Bilbo Baggins from The Hobbit, Napoleon Dynamite (who I've been compared to), all those lovable and not so lovable from Kevin Smith movies, and the main cast of The Guild. Overall, I am a moral person, don't do big "bad" things like cheat on tests/significant others, do my homework/chores, and abstain from violence. Yeah, what an interesting life. However, I lack the "hero" factor.

So I've done some "selfless" things in my life, like making study guides for my entire philosophy class in high school and helping feed homeless people my first semester in college. I quit that second gig for less than noble reasons because some overzealous folks called me a "socialist" and "liberal scum". If I truly cared about helping people, I would persist and not fall prey to simple words. But did I even care any more.

Caring is an interesting concept. The past few days I have come to realize that I truly "care" about few people. This is a major personal weakness. Honestly, I would rather see The Dark Knight Rises opening night that spend a week with my (extended) family in the Virgin Islands. This is madness. However, I know that the proven formula of Batman+ Christopher Nolan (along with possible Bat-breakage and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Azrael/Nightwing) will provide a solid two and a half hours of cinematic magic and conclusion to one of my favorite film trilogies. This is in contrast to time spent with my extended family who I have very little in common with and are way too "competitive" for me. They also didn't get the point of Hunger Games and maybe even Fight Club...

In conclusion, I have made two very long term personal goals. First, I want to upgrade from an anti-hero to a "real" hero while not losing the quirks that make me me. Do something to benefit society (not for a paycheck or "therapy") while keeping the sarcasm and pop culture reference overdose. I might maybe even rekindle my old "bleeding heart" nature and former faith. Second, I need to find some kind of "project". Existentialist philosopher Jean-Sartre described a good project as "acting on a concrete situation and modifying it in some way"in his essay "A New Authentic Way of Being". Despite how hard one tries, life has no overarching purpose and is a daily struggle. However, I can still find some meaningful to do with my time, like writing fiction or poetry, updating this blog, or something physical like running and feel like my life has some direction despite the chaos and nothingness. If hardened criminals can find redemption so can self-centered anti-heroes like me.

"If nothing we do matters, all that matters is what we do."-Angel in "Epiphany" from Angel